Hellboy, Death Races and Big Brother

Whoo hoo!

Big Brother is over for another year!

Who won it? I dunno some Rachel person I think, but to be honest I couldn't give a rats ass.

Every year we have to put up with this shit even though it's becoming more racist and mind blowingly bad every season. This is, what, the 8th or 9th Big Brother? Yet it still won't die like a certain yellow family in America.

But who do we blame for it still being on the air? The Producers who realised that it's cheap yet makes them millions? You the audience who watches every moment just to see who shags who first?

No.

I blame it on one of the original contestants 'Nasty' Nick Bateman.

If he hadn't cheated then I like everyone else wouldn't have watched him getting caught by the other housemates at cheating and then getting thrown out and subsequently watching the rest of the series until the end!

If he hadn't cheated then Big Brother would have just been a failed blip of a TV show that people would look fondly back at and wish they would bring it back even though it never would.

But he did and they got huge publicity and now it's still on the air.

Shame on you Nasty Nick! Shame on you!

Anyway on Wensday I went to see the Movie Hellboy 2 with my Counterpart Ben. Had a bit of an incident with me panicing after losing my phone and looking around the lobby using bens phone to ring it only to return to my seat and finding out from Ben that it had simply fallen out of my pocket and fallen down the back of the deat. Oh was my face red. =P

I've gotta say I didn't have high hopes for Hellboy 2 but I came out with a smile on my face. It was far far better than the first film and the designs of the monsters were great. I was glad they got rid of the John Myers character from the first film. I wasn't really a fan of that character, but I must say that I really loved the new character that they introduced with the 'Gas in a suit' man Johann Kraus . His character was a real breath of fresh air and very funny. I was really suprised to discover that he had been voiced by Seth McFarlene of Family Guy fame! I didn't recognise his voice at all!

I also got to see another film for free the same day!

Well I say film, it was actually the trailer for Death Race but it saves me having to see the movie anyway because like all movie trailers these days it GIVES AWAY EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING TRAILER!!!

What happened to the days where they made you guessing the plot? Sure they might show you short clips of end scenes but they didn't tell you EXACTLY what happens!

The Trailer for Death Race however does! It tells you why the main character is in Jail (set up to make it look like he killed his wife) forced to race in a death race with prisioners to win his freedom and are viewed via the web around the world. It's revealed that he was once a top racers and THEN it shows the person who really killed his wife THEN it showes that he really was set up to go to prision just to race. So there we go, there's the plot twist over, and just like all other films he will no doubt surpass the odds to beat the death race, kill his wife's real killer then kill everyone else who put him in, take down the tv show... and then escape to freedom.

The End.

'Man what a weak plot' I thought but then I saw it was written and directed, written AND produced by Paul W. S. (I ruin every movie I base on a computer game) Anderson and it all made sense.

That man should Not be allowed to write or direct!

say no to fish pie!

Uuuuuuuuuugh! My stomach is playing up!

This is why I hate living with the family, you have to eat the same meals as them and I HATE Salmon and I HATE fish pie!

All those icky bones that you miss somehow chewing and they spike in your throat!

Now I try to sleep or choke on the bile i can feel wanting to come up... whichever comes first!

Go-ing for GOOOOOOOOOOLD!

You know, when Kids this year did well in their A-Levels, the best yet in fact, the Government say that the tests are getting too easy yet when this Olympics turns out to be our best EVAH! they don't seem to stand up and point their fingers and start complaining that the games must be getting 'too easy' and demand that they make the games harder!

Kids aren't allowed to be smart but Athletes are allowed to be the best in the world!

It seems to me that the Olympics is the only time that we well and truley can be British.

I shit you not, because once this is over we'll be told to put the Union Jack flags away lest we be condemmed as raaaaaaaaaaaaaacists!

Still it's nice that for once we're doing well in something.

I just hope schools are watching the Olympics and realising 'IT'S GOOD TO WIN!'

It pisses me off that kids aren't allowed to win in sports days any more becuase 'it'll hurt the losers feelings' Well yes. It's called LIFE! If I was a teacher I would batter this lesson into the kids under it boarders child abuse!

But I'm not but I can't.

In other news. Gary Glitter doesn't want to come back to England because of his health. Well yes your health is gonna suffer if you come back Mr. Glitter especially if you go near any Gangs (pause for hopeful laughter)

Is it me but isn't it ironic that Jade Goody discovered she got cancer whilst she was in India?

Huzzah for Karma!

Werewolf Vs. Dragon

An extract from the new kids book series 'An Awfully Beastly Business'. To set the the scene they have found a baby dragon that has been killed and they are now performing an autopsy to find out how it died. Just a little warning it's a little icky so don't read if you don't like blood.

Ulf stared as Dr. Feilding ran the chainsaw blade down the underside of the dragon.
Sparks flew from its scales and a mist of dark red blood sprayed Dr. Feilding's white coat.

She cut all the way down through the dragon's belly. It opened like a zip and its guts spilt out. Ulf had never seen anything so repulsive or incredible.

(but wait it gets better)

Plunging her arms inside the dragon, shhe felt the stomach sack, pressing it with her fingertips.
The stomach wall was ripped.
'A rupture of some sort,' she muttered to herself.
'Urgh! It stinks,' Ulf said, getting a waft of the dragon's last meal.
Dr. Feilding reached into the stomach and pulled out a half-digested mountain lion.
'It didn't die of starvation, then,' ulf said. He was pinching his nose. He watched as Doctor Feilding picked up a metal crowbar from among the tools and began prising open the dragon's ribcage.
She climbed inside the chest cavity and checked the lungs.


Ok I'll stop there, it goes on like this for another chapter and I think you get the picture. ;)

Aren't kids books super these days? =P

Don't get me wrong it's a good book, and the illustrations are top notch (though Doctor Feilding looked rather more manical with her chainsaw in the illustration preceeding the text (and she's meant ot be the good guy too) than she should be.

But then again the animal was dead and it was WAS techincally a make believe creature, but I'm sure it would be different if the book was writing about her chainsawing a living human haha! But then again I haven't finished reading the book so she might very well end up doing so for all I know!

X-Fucker!

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

It's back! The bastard child of Cowell is fucking BACK!

Every year this bloody well happens, taking over saturday nights and the papers as 'we' look for a new star! God, stop making everyone think that the only talent that's a talent is singing!

I really hate those auditions as well and I always seem to end up watching one episode due to 'family time' and my teeth haven't recovered from last year from all the cringing I did.

I mean, what possesses some of these people to go on? Do they actually think they can sing? Didn't they try listening to themselves before hand?! Didn't they think 'I sound terrible, do I really want to embarress myself on national tv just for a few seconds of screen time?' Actually they probably do think that and still do it. Blegh!

So yes, we've got the auditions and Simon Cowell making everyone feel small and then we'll find a winner and then they'll instantly get a Christmas Number 1.

I miss the REAL Christmas Number 1...

And once they've got their Christmas Number 1 we can then expect them to disappear into obscurity. Except for Leona fucking Lewis and I wish we COULD get rid of that bitch!

Trolls and Wizards and Fairy Kings...

...Birds that talk and fish that sing!

Anyone remember David the Gnome? No? Not even the ultra depressing ending? Still no? Ah well.

Fact: You can knock it, you can rock it, you can go to timbuktu but you'll never find a Nessie in a zoo!

That is all.

Sexy Party!

If more and more things are becoming banned because they offend minorities, how long has Christmas and the English Language got left?

If you want pictures with a sexy twenty year old girl who likes casual fun in your area call this number,
Or if you want to get pictures and have fun with a thirty year old woman call this number,
If you want to get pictures or casual fun with a mature forty year old call this number
And if you want to get pictures or have casual fun with a fifty year old call this number.

Seriously, this is one of those late night adverts you get on Paramount and Virgin 1 and they just make me laugh. Does anyone actually ring these things? And do they really believe that there are hot girls at the end of the phone sitting on beds, giggling to themselves and shaking their booty as they wait for your call.
Somehow I doubt there’s anyone waiting for my call, lying on their bed just staring at their mobile and weeping that Tom hasn’t texted her to demand sexy photos of her and the possibility of casual ‘fun’.

Honestly, casual fun? That’s just a silly way of saying ‘SEX!’ tut tut! Think of the children!

Question. If the Devil is the Prince of Darkness, who’s the King? Or was Dracula the Prince of Darkness… eh.

TV sucks!

You know there’s a LOT of things that piss me off when I watch the news on TV these days.

One of these things would have to be the handshaking that politicians do. They just walk into a room and shake the persons hand; now there’s nothing wrong with that but when they shake the person’s hand they only make eye contact with each other for a split second before looking directly at the camera and smiling their fake smiles all the while still shaking each others hands.

It just gets on my nerves really and it just feels to me that when you turn a handshake into a photo op it really doesn’t mean a thing, especially when you’re not even looking at who you’re shaking hands with, I mean I KNOW who is doing the shaking! They don’t need to look at the bloody camera to show who they are! What, do they think that we’d have no clue who Gordon Brown is if we only saw his face from the side? GAWD! Shake like you mean it you nut jobs!

This isn’t strictly from TV news but is one word that I absolutely LOATH and that word is ‘Passion’!

That word REALLY pisses me off these days, it feels like it’s the only word that these people on antiques shows and the like use to describe liking something.

‘Oh yes writing is my passion’ or ‘My passion is cooking!’

SERIOUSLY, use another word!

Just try it for yourselves people of England, see how many times you hear the word passion in a day, especially on the BBC channels and you’d be surprised.

Also Antique shows stop using the word ‘Quality’! Try another word!

*Throws thesauruses at TV producers!*

How about a magic trick?

And... here... we... go!

Oh! The Olympics started yesterday, I've gotta hand it to those Chinese, they certainly know how to throw the best opening ceremony ever ... or distraction from all the cries of the now homeless people who's houses were knocked down to make way for a shiney new Olympic Road.

Anyway onto what I wanted to write about.

And what I want to write about is the 12A rating for 'The Dark Knight' in the UK.

Now at first I wasn't too bothered with it, I had actually achieved something that i haven't done for a while and actaully gone into the cinema with no clue as to how the movie will finish or what the actual plot is apart from joker laughing a lot and lots of pretty explosions.

It's pretty rare to go into a movie like that and not know much about it, becuase most of the time they show the plot AND the ending pretty much and it kind spoils it becuase you KNOW what is going to happen (I'm looking at you Tomb of the Dragon Emperor!)

Now The Dark Knight, I'll start by admitting that I HATED Batman Begins. Absolutly loathed it.

It just didn't feel like Batman to me and the bad guys felt underused and overly silly (Ra's al Ghul didn't feel like much of a threat and the scarecrow could have been much scarier) I have only seen the movie once and once is all it's getting from my eyes.

Dark Knight however I intend to watch again and again and again!

Everything was perfect about it. It wasn't boring, the action was great and the villians felt well used and threatening, PLUS we don't actually see what Two Face looks like until we actually go into the cinema and see it, at least I did. They didn't show what he looked like at all in the trailers which was great really.

How everyone seems to agree that Hannibal Lecter is the best pyscho film has ever made, well after seeing the Joker in the Dark Knight I'd say we have a new winner!

This version of the Joker was unlike any we have ever seen before. Be it the comics, the campy live action tv show or the Cartoon ones. This Joker was insane and yet brilliant and a wonderful new take on him in a more realistic sort of world that the Batman reboot series tries to give, and the fact that he just paints his skin and and has a scar for a grin doesn't take away anything from his character, in fact it seems to add more to it, especially since we don't know anything about his past life and the fact he gives conflicting stories about how he got his scars.

It's just a shame that such a great Character can never be replayed the same way again because of Mr. Ledger popping his clogs at too early an age, and it's also a pity that they didn't kill off the Joker in the film because it implies that he would make a return, especially with him saying 'I think you and I are destined to do this forever.'

Yes, this version of the Joker was the most terrifying one yet, and that's where my one problem with the movie comes in... actually no I have two other problems with the movie.

1. How come Dent talks normally after having half his face burnt off?

2. Why are Bruce and Dent so attracted to Rachel? She's like the offspiring of Kirsten Dunst and Carrie Fisher... and then given a Teeth Transplant from Billie Piper!

Anyway back to my original problem.

In the UK we have the following ratings.

U - anyone can see it.

PG - some scenes may not be good for kids.

12A - you have to be 12 or over to see it unless accompanied by and adult.

15 - only 15s and over can see it.

18 - only 18s and over can see it .

Now, the 12A rating was originally invented because of when the first Spiderman movie came out and the little kiddies were upset becuase they couldn't see Spiderman. I guess you could say it's our version of the PG-13.

Now spiderman, I have no complaints about with that rating. I for one thought it was fine. There wasn't anything too violent about it and nothing that was really immitable... ok there's the wall crawling and webslinging but sod that.

The Dark Knight in my opinion was too violent to have been a 12A.

That was the first thought that came into my head as I walked out of the cinema 'How the hell was that a 12A?!'

Joker did one of the most grusome magic tricks I've ever seen and he spent most of the movie holding knives to peoples mouths! Not to mention Two Face's face was a little grusome!

Now ok, people are reading this are probably now saying 'yeah but we didn't see any blood' or 'we didn't actually see the pencil go in his eye' (which is techinally true after i rewatched the scene a few times on youtube, it's amazing really how when you type in a search word it comes up with a list of the most popular search words based on what you are in the middle of typing and when you type in 'joker' the next word that it seems to think you're gonna type in is 'pencil'!)

Now thankfully I haven't seen anything in the papers about kids immitating the Jokers pencil trick but if kids are seeing that in the cinema then I wouldn't have been surpised.

Now I know it looks like I'm bitching about this and making a fuss about nothing but as far as I can see this rating was given just so the movie could make more money. That's the sad truth.

If this movie had been a 15 as it should have been then it would have taken out a huge chunk of the profits which would have been made from all the little kids seeing it.

kids + Superhero movies = Monies!

Superhero movies - kids = Monies but not as much!

I mean, this is a country where you can't turn on a news channel or opening a newspaper without it talking about someone in England getting stabbed to death in muggings or Gang Wars these days and yet there we saw in the Dark Knight the Joker casually holding a knife to someone and making it seem damn cool and a little funny at times. But hey, it's not like kids are impressionable at 12 and under, I'm sure they'd never try to use knives.... or perform magic tricks with pencils!

I don't know, if just feels that they put profit before common sense... but then again, who am I kidding, that's every bloody buisness in the country these days.

Anyhoo. I thought I'd finish this blog with this quote from Billy Connolly.

'Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes'

08/08/08

Well if I'm gonna start blogging I might as well start it on a memorable date... like today.

8/8/08

That doesn't come around a lot. Though the next one to be like that will be 9/9/09.

Is it still the 8th? Well it says half 11 so it must be... for half and hour more at least.

Sooooooo yeah here I am. Blogging at last! (all the cool kids were doing it!)

Umm.... whattowritewhattowrite...

Well I guess I could use this place to rant, just like everyone else but I feel I might as well use this as a sumping ground for my ideas and projects that I'm tossing around (heh heh, tossing!)

So I'll probably do that later.

Umm... aaaaaaahh.... OH!

At the moment I have been working my way through the Discworld series done by Terry Pratchett.

I've been a big fan of his for a very long time, though there have been a lot of his series that I either have never read before, have read them but it was so long ago that I forgot about how the story went or never read them in the right order, So I decided back in December of last year to change this and start reading the series from the very start and I'm pleased to say that I'm currently reading Wintersmith and then that just leaves the last book so far to go 'making money'

Oooooh it's been fun to read them, Death has to be my favourite character though... him and Death of Rats because should I die I'd like Death to be just like him... well that or a really hot Goth Girl, that would be sweet!

So after reading that series I've got quite a stack of other books to read through.

I like reading books, I've been hoping that if I read enough that i might finally have the inspiration to finally write my own ones.

So far I have 3 that I have written the summeries to.

The Wolf: Island of Wolves (first in a series of werewolf books)

Jane: A humourous take on when an imaginary friend comes back... and solves murders. (gotta love murder stories, it means you can write how you'd like to kill people without actually doing it)

Remortal (About someone who relives his life over and over again, kinda like groundhogs day but on a bigger scale)

Hmm... still ten minutes before it's the 9th, what else can I say.

Cheese! That's a great word. It can get you out of many scrapes... and into a couple too!

Agh! 4 minutes left! Stop daydreaming you!

Yes I will continue speaking random things some other times... or just after midnight.

I wanna have a rant about the 12A controversy about the Dark Knight! Won't that be fun kiddiewinks!

Toodles!