Hellboy, Death Races and Big Brother

Whoo hoo!

Big Brother is over for another year!

Who won it? I dunno some Rachel person I think, but to be honest I couldn't give a rats ass.

Every year we have to put up with this shit even though it's becoming more racist and mind blowingly bad every season. This is, what, the 8th or 9th Big Brother? Yet it still won't die like a certain yellow family in America.

But who do we blame for it still being on the air? The Producers who realised that it's cheap yet makes them millions? You the audience who watches every moment just to see who shags who first?

No.

I blame it on one of the original contestants 'Nasty' Nick Bateman.

If he hadn't cheated then I like everyone else wouldn't have watched him getting caught by the other housemates at cheating and then getting thrown out and subsequently watching the rest of the series until the end!

If he hadn't cheated then Big Brother would have just been a failed blip of a TV show that people would look fondly back at and wish they would bring it back even though it never would.

But he did and they got huge publicity and now it's still on the air.

Shame on you Nasty Nick! Shame on you!

Anyway on Wensday I went to see the Movie Hellboy 2 with my Counterpart Ben. Had a bit of an incident with me panicing after losing my phone and looking around the lobby using bens phone to ring it only to return to my seat and finding out from Ben that it had simply fallen out of my pocket and fallen down the back of the deat. Oh was my face red. =P

I've gotta say I didn't have high hopes for Hellboy 2 but I came out with a smile on my face. It was far far better than the first film and the designs of the monsters were great. I was glad they got rid of the John Myers character from the first film. I wasn't really a fan of that character, but I must say that I really loved the new character that they introduced with the 'Gas in a suit' man Johann Kraus . His character was a real breath of fresh air and very funny. I was really suprised to discover that he had been voiced by Seth McFarlene of Family Guy fame! I didn't recognise his voice at all!

I also got to see another film for free the same day!

Well I say film, it was actually the trailer for Death Race but it saves me having to see the movie anyway because like all movie trailers these days it GIVES AWAY EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING TRAILER!!!

What happened to the days where they made you guessing the plot? Sure they might show you short clips of end scenes but they didn't tell you EXACTLY what happens!

The Trailer for Death Race however does! It tells you why the main character is in Jail (set up to make it look like he killed his wife) forced to race in a death race with prisioners to win his freedom and are viewed via the web around the world. It's revealed that he was once a top racers and THEN it shows the person who really killed his wife THEN it showes that he really was set up to go to prision just to race. So there we go, there's the plot twist over, and just like all other films he will no doubt surpass the odds to beat the death race, kill his wife's real killer then kill everyone else who put him in, take down the tv show... and then escape to freedom.

The End.

'Man what a weak plot' I thought but then I saw it was written and directed, written AND produced by Paul W. S. (I ruin every movie I base on a computer game) Anderson and it all made sense.

That man should Not be allowed to write or direct!

say no to fish pie!

Uuuuuuuuuugh! My stomach is playing up!

This is why I hate living with the family, you have to eat the same meals as them and I HATE Salmon and I HATE fish pie!

All those icky bones that you miss somehow chewing and they spike in your throat!

Now I try to sleep or choke on the bile i can feel wanting to come up... whichever comes first!

Go-ing for GOOOOOOOOOOLD!

You know, when Kids this year did well in their A-Levels, the best yet in fact, the Government say that the tests are getting too easy yet when this Olympics turns out to be our best EVAH! they don't seem to stand up and point their fingers and start complaining that the games must be getting 'too easy' and demand that they make the games harder!

Kids aren't allowed to be smart but Athletes are allowed to be the best in the world!

It seems to me that the Olympics is the only time that we well and truley can be British.

I shit you not, because once this is over we'll be told to put the Union Jack flags away lest we be condemmed as raaaaaaaaaaaaaacists!

Still it's nice that for once we're doing well in something.

I just hope schools are watching the Olympics and realising 'IT'S GOOD TO WIN!'

It pisses me off that kids aren't allowed to win in sports days any more becuase 'it'll hurt the losers feelings' Well yes. It's called LIFE! If I was a teacher I would batter this lesson into the kids under it boarders child abuse!

But I'm not but I can't.

In other news. Gary Glitter doesn't want to come back to England because of his health. Well yes your health is gonna suffer if you come back Mr. Glitter especially if you go near any Gangs (pause for hopeful laughter)

Is it me but isn't it ironic that Jade Goody discovered she got cancer whilst she was in India?

Huzzah for Karma!

Werewolf Vs. Dragon

An extract from the new kids book series 'An Awfully Beastly Business'. To set the the scene they have found a baby dragon that has been killed and they are now performing an autopsy to find out how it died. Just a little warning it's a little icky so don't read if you don't like blood.

Ulf stared as Dr. Feilding ran the chainsaw blade down the underside of the dragon.
Sparks flew from its scales and a mist of dark red blood sprayed Dr. Feilding's white coat.

She cut all the way down through the dragon's belly. It opened like a zip and its guts spilt out. Ulf had never seen anything so repulsive or incredible.

(but wait it gets better)

Plunging her arms inside the dragon, shhe felt the stomach sack, pressing it with her fingertips.
The stomach wall was ripped.
'A rupture of some sort,' she muttered to herself.
'Urgh! It stinks,' Ulf said, getting a waft of the dragon's last meal.
Dr. Feilding reached into the stomach and pulled out a half-digested mountain lion.
'It didn't die of starvation, then,' ulf said. He was pinching his nose. He watched as Doctor Feilding picked up a metal crowbar from among the tools and began prising open the dragon's ribcage.
She climbed inside the chest cavity and checked the lungs.


Ok I'll stop there, it goes on like this for another chapter and I think you get the picture. ;)

Aren't kids books super these days? =P

Don't get me wrong it's a good book, and the illustrations are top notch (though Doctor Feilding looked rather more manical with her chainsaw in the illustration preceeding the text (and she's meant ot be the good guy too) than she should be.

But then again the animal was dead and it was WAS techincally a make believe creature, but I'm sure it would be different if the book was writing about her chainsawing a living human haha! But then again I haven't finished reading the book so she might very well end up doing so for all I know!

X-Fucker!

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

It's back! The bastard child of Cowell is fucking BACK!

Every year this bloody well happens, taking over saturday nights and the papers as 'we' look for a new star! God, stop making everyone think that the only talent that's a talent is singing!

I really hate those auditions as well and I always seem to end up watching one episode due to 'family time' and my teeth haven't recovered from last year from all the cringing I did.

I mean, what possesses some of these people to go on? Do they actually think they can sing? Didn't they try listening to themselves before hand?! Didn't they think 'I sound terrible, do I really want to embarress myself on national tv just for a few seconds of screen time?' Actually they probably do think that and still do it. Blegh!

So yes, we've got the auditions and Simon Cowell making everyone feel small and then we'll find a winner and then they'll instantly get a Christmas Number 1.

I miss the REAL Christmas Number 1...

And once they've got their Christmas Number 1 we can then expect them to disappear into obscurity. Except for Leona fucking Lewis and I wish we COULD get rid of that bitch!

Trolls and Wizards and Fairy Kings...

...Birds that talk and fish that sing!

Anyone remember David the Gnome? No? Not even the ultra depressing ending? Still no? Ah well.

Fact: You can knock it, you can rock it, you can go to timbuktu but you'll never find a Nessie in a zoo!

That is all.

Sexy Party!

If more and more things are becoming banned because they offend minorities, how long has Christmas and the English Language got left?

If you want pictures with a sexy twenty year old girl who likes casual fun in your area call this number,
Or if you want to get pictures and have fun with a thirty year old woman call this number,
If you want to get pictures or casual fun with a mature forty year old call this number
And if you want to get pictures or have casual fun with a fifty year old call this number.

Seriously, this is one of those late night adverts you get on Paramount and Virgin 1 and they just make me laugh. Does anyone actually ring these things? And do they really believe that there are hot girls at the end of the phone sitting on beds, giggling to themselves and shaking their booty as they wait for your call.
Somehow I doubt there’s anyone waiting for my call, lying on their bed just staring at their mobile and weeping that Tom hasn’t texted her to demand sexy photos of her and the possibility of casual ‘fun’.

Honestly, casual fun? That’s just a silly way of saying ‘SEX!’ tut tut! Think of the children!

Question. If the Devil is the Prince of Darkness, who’s the King? Or was Dracula the Prince of Darkness… eh.